Full gamut of emotions

My mom and I had a really nice morning with a little retail therapy. :) It was time to invest in a few shirts that actually fit 'up top' and are not maternity! I tried on about 25 shirts and ended up with 5!! We were at Kohl's forever! Since we were out and about for quite a while, I experienced a 'first' today, even after breastfeeding Lacey for 14 months- pumping in the car while eating lunch- a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! The best part was the spot we chose. We carefully drove around Brier Creek looking for a nice secluded location. We chose a spot facing a big grassy hill behind one of the restaurants. It was perfect . . . until the grounds keeper began his laps on the lawn mower in front of the car! LOL!!

Brian called to let us know that the hospital had called him with an update. This morning Lawson's team met to discuss what to do next. Dr. Tanaka's turn with us is over and Lawson now has a new doctor, Dr. Goldberg, who is actually the Chief of Neonatology. They decided to do right mainstem intubation, which means they moved the breathing tube into only the good lung hoping to give the diseased lung time to degas (deflate). The idea is to keep the trachea open allowing air to go both in and out, but to not add any more air to the already distended left lung. The pulmonologist performed the procedure around noon and we got an update not too long after that. He made it through beautifully and was resting afterward.

By the time we got to the parking deck, it was exactly 4:46pm. I know this because my mom and I were rushing to get to the parking office by 5pm. Apparently after your baby has been in the NICU for 30 days, you get a free parking pass. I guess they figure after you've given them almost $200 in parking fees, they'll cut you a break. Luckily we encountered a VERY NICE man working in the parking office who helped us, with a smile, although it was 5:05 according to his clock. :)

Lawson was sleeping, as usual, but we were able to have a lengthy conversation with Dr. Goldberg at his bedside. He reviewed all of the things he knew about the case and updated us on the events of the day. I expressed my frustration that nothing has worked so far and he agreed. Then he went on to discuss the most recent plan. He mentioned starting the steroids again, which up to this point, had not been part of the plan. We had been told earlier that extended use of that particular steroid had a risk of causing permanent brain damage. Brian and I were leary of it's use previously and are not any more eager to use it now. I know Dr. Goldberg could read that on my face, because he began to explain why they want to use it. I explained to him our concern and we decided to wait until we can all meet to debate the pros and cons before we proceed.

I'm not even sure exactly what Dr. Goldberg said that set me off, but I began crying and couldn't stop as we were talking. I could tell he felt bad for making me cry, but I think he didn't really cause it- it was just time for me to cry. Just about that time another mom came into the room to visit with her baby. The nurse picked the baby up and handed him and a bottle of formula to his mother so she could feed him. The dad was taking pictures and everyone was happy. I was overcome with jealousy. How dare they 'show off' like that in front of me! Her baby has been there 1 day, she's not even pumping, and she gets to hold her baby! I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I just couldn't help it! A month of this has definitely taken a toll on me! I'm so glad my mom was there to hug me while I cried on her shoulder. I'm hopeful for a better day tomorrow.