Curveball

We got a call this morning letting us know that the speech therapist was concerned that Lawson wasn't progressing like she would like to see and felt that he needed to go ahead with the swallow study. Brian and I met at the hosptial around 2pm to get the results. I knew I needed to pump a little before we tried breastfeeding for his 3pm feeding, but I wanted to get a little Lawson lovin' first. So I was snuggling with Lawson when the speech therapist arrived. She started by saying, "Well, everything's O.K. but I have good news and bad news." To be perfectly honest, I didn't hear exactly what else she said besides, "It's not going to be safe for Lawson to breastfeed." I'm sure there aren't a lot of people who can truly understand how devistating those ten words were for me.


To me it's the ultimate bond between a mother and child, a special connection that no one else can duplicate. I breastfed Lacey for 14 months and loved every second of it. When she was an infant, I loved the way she would grunt and snort as her eyes rolled back in her head in pure delight. As she grew and learned the sign language for milk, she would look longingly at me squeezing her fat little fingers in perfect form, looking to fill her hunger for our special time as much as the hunger in her tummy. Not to mention the ease of delivery, no bottles to make, nothing to measure or wash, nothing to remember. I've joked that if I had to remember to pack bottles in my diaper bag for Lacey she would have starved!

As she noticed the tears welling up in my eyes, Amanda, the speech therapist, apologized for being the bearer of the news. Since I was crying, we pulled the curtains around us. One of the other nurses assumed we were breastfeeding and called across the curtain to see if we needed the scale. "Mrs. Levering, are you breastfeeding? Do you need the scale?" I choked back the tears to answer and have been sniffling ever since every time it comes to mind. Pat, the lactation consultant, came by soon after and obviously hadn't heard the news. After we filled her in, she assured me that we can continue to 'lick and learn' with an empty breast to continue our bonding and help him remember the skill in case he can grow out of it.


Amanda, the speech therapist, drew us a picture of the esophagus and trachea and showed us what was happening when Lawson swallows. The epiglottis is supposed to cover the trachea when we eat or drink. It seems that when Lawson takes breastmilk, both from the breast and a bottle nipple, the epiglottis doesn't cover adequately and some of it goes into his lungs. Since the respritory system has been Lawson's main problem, we must protect his lungs.

Now on to the good news. As I mentioned before, I'm not sure of all the details, but the good news is that Lawson can safely drink from a bottle if the milk has been thickened with a special gel called Simply Thick. Daddy gave Lawson his 'first' bottle today; Amanda was actually first, but we didn't see it, so it doesn't count! ;) He was able to drink 15ml through the bottle. If he is awake and aware at his feeding times, the nurses have been instructed to try bottle feeding first and then finish with the tube feeding.



And so I continue my relationship with the pump . . .